Parody Parade : Hansel PotSmoker
by Camzella Granger-Malfoy
Summary: [Parody] Point: To write an ultimately funny parody with no pairing, and randomly hilarity at any given moment. It's two parodies in one! Hansel PotSmoker and the Chamber of Victoria Secrets and Parody Parade!
1. In Which Harry Prances In Stolen Clothes

Title: Parody Parade

Genre: Parody/Humor

Category: Full Story

Summary: Randomly funny story about the trio. Random things appear. And if your story is something along the lines of this, and isn't a parody or humor fic, I feel bloody sorry for you mate.

Krysta's Notes: This story is rated Mature. So, if you don't feel you can read a Mature story, leave now.

Disclaimer: Nothing but the plot. Not even the Hornylicious Song, it belongs to my friend.

* * *

**Chapter includes:**

**Harry Potter singing and dancing in many different weird clothes that he stole.**

**Hermione Granger acting like a prep. **

**Slytherins being serenaded after Potions class.**

**Poker with Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Minerva McGonagall, and Albus Dumbledore.**

**Goldfish with Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, and Draco Malfoy.

* * *

**

Chapter 1: Songs Galore and the 'Hornylicious' Song

"I feel prettiiiiiiiii, Oh so prettiiiiiiiiiii Yes I doooooo Oh babiiiiii." A male voice could be heard singing, very terribly in fact, throughout the hall. Harry Potter, the-boy-who-wasn't-killed-by-a-madman-at-age-one, was skipping happily, singing. He changed his mind, decided to sing his own little horny song, for how erect he felt right at that moment.

"I don't think you're ready, for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this, Cause my body's so hornylicious for ya babe." He said, dancing in front of a first year, who ran off terrified.

"You ruined the moment!" Harry cried after the first year. Harry continued his skipping and singing, until Harry tripped.

"If I was a rich girl, na na na na--ow! Damnit!" He exclaimed, tripping over a book. He looked at it. It was titled 'Damn, I wish I knew which shoes to wear with that.' He skipped up the stairs, tripping several times, because of attempting to can-can up them. He entered the common room.

* * *

"Yo yo yo!" Harry shouted entering the common room. "My niggers! What is going on for sheezy, dog! I be chilling like banana cream filling, my nizzles!" The common room stared at Harry, then turned back to their normal activities.

"Fuck y'all niggers then." Harry said, crying and running up the stairs.

"Yo, preppy prep prep, I found your book." Harry said, chucking the large book at Hermione, who was sitting on the bed, painting her fingernails an ugly hot pink color. Her hair was no longer brown, but dyed blonde, and she had fake blue eyes.

"Why can't you except me for who I am?" She said, slapping Harry. "That was for messing up my polish. Do you know how hard it is to paint you nails while snogging someone?" She said, gesturing to the smeared bright red lipstick. Harry smashed his lips onto Hermione's.

"Hmm." Harry said. "He tastes like cherries." He said, licking his lips. He flounced from the common room, this time wearing a pink lacy bra he had stolen from Molly Weasley last summer, and a black and pink furry thong.

* * *

"Can you keep up?" Harry sang, swirling around a marble pillar near Snape dungeons, where the Slytherins were leaving Potions.

"Baby boy, make me lose my breath, Bring the noise, make me lose my breath, Hit me hard, make me lose my." Once Harry reached the breathing part, the Slytherins had begun exiting the eerie dungeons. Harry had jumped on the nearest person, which was Millicent Bulstrode, and breathed in her face.

"Hah Hah." He jumped off the surprised Slytherin, onto Blaise Zabini's back, and began singing the song in his ear.

"Baby boy, make me lose my breath, Bring the noise, make me lose my breath, Hit me hard, make me lose my." By this time, he had propelled himself off of Blaise and onto Draco Malfoy, and breathed down his neck.

"Hah Hah." But the time the Slytherin's had gotten a hold of themselves, Harry Potter was skipping away, singing.

"I'll be your naughty girrrrrlllllll. Calling all my girrrrrrlllllllsssss. We gonna turrrrrn this party ouuuutttttt. Because I want your bodiiiiiiiiii." He drawled, flouncing happily and skidded around the corner.

* * *

Randomly gaining access to the girl's Gryffindor dormitory, he began singing again, forcing Hermione to dance with him. They were tangoing across the room, even though the song was a rap song.

"Sugarrrrr, on my tonnnnnnnngue, She's gonnaaaaaaaa, gimme gimme some sugarr. Right there on my tongue. Sweet Sweeeeeettttt Lover Lova! Right there on my tongue. She's turns me onnnn, Like no other!" Harry dropped Hermione on the bed, who was complaining about how Harry forcing her to dance ruined her uncalloused feet.

He began strip teasing the Gryffindor sixth year girls, by taking off the lacy pink bra and throwing it at Ginny.

"Yo, Ginnay! Holler at your mommer, and tell her I am majorly sorry for stealing that." Ginny just giggled. As Harry toyed with the thong, the girls were screaming madly. Ginny jumping up, and practically snatched Harry into a private room.

* * *

"Oh baby..." Harry moaned.

"Harry!" Ginny screamed. Many of the sixth years looked at the door in revulsion.

"No! Ow, that hurts Harry, be gentle."

* * *

Hermione shoved them away with her freshly filed nails, and picked the door, chipping one and screaming in horror. Finally getting over the nail (and herself) she turned the doorknob, to see Harry and Ginny sitting on the bed, watching the Paris Hilton sex tape. Harry looked aroused by it, and kept clinging on to Ginny every few minutes, digging his manicured nails into her skin, making her scream.

"See? All you like, pervs need, like, a life, cause, like, they were watching a, like, movie." Hermione said, now concentrating on her complexion.

* * *

Suddenly horrible music floated up the stairs, and Harry and Hermione looked at each other, and ran quickly to the source. It was a monkey. You know, one of those monkey's that play for money, except the monkey was singing like a screeching opera man. The Gryffindors glared at it, while Harry was doing the macarena.

Hermione stomped on the monkey with her once white, now blood red stilettos.

"Herrrrrrmiiiiiiiiiiooooooooonnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Harry cried, holding the monkey's head in his head.

"It was, like, totally annoying!" Hermione said to Harry, placing a manicured hand on her hip.

"Well, how would you like when you get annoying I took on of your boots and killed you with it?"

"It depends on which one. The green would, like, so totally work." She said, waving her green stilettos at Harry.

* * *

Harry took Hermione's hand, and led her from the common room, into the halls. People passed, staring weirdly at Harry's new get-up. He know had on a blue and red tie around his head that he had stolen from Seamus Finnegan, a fellow Gryffindor, what looked like Ginny's black suede mini skirt around his middle, and down below, he had on a pair of Hermione's bright pink bell bottoms. He was walking beside Hermione, who was avidly filing her nails.

* * *

"Come on, Hermione! It's teacher's poker night!" He cried, grabbing the artificial blonde and leading her towards Professor Albus Dumbledore's office.

"Vodka and Rum." He said to the statue, and it opened. Inside, the office which was normally a bright red with red chairs, and a fireplace all round, was now splattered with paint on the walls, party decorations from Christmas and Valentine's Day were hung up, and the fireplace was moved into the middle of the room for a bonfire.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore came from his office, wearing a pink tutu, and orange slippers, which clashed horribly with his dyed purple hair.

"Harry, my boy, glad you could make it, Hermione, you look gorgeous." The headmaster said, smiling at them.

"I know." Hermione said modestly, sitting herself in a red chair, that had a mistletoe cover draped over it.

"Hey, Hermione, what's up, my main squeeze!" Minerva McGonagall said, appearing from behind a door in the office. She was wearing a rainbow colored tee shirt that said 'Fight the Power' on it, and on the back it said 'After I Eat My Vegetables' and a pair of red jeans with paint on them, obviously being her who splattered the walls.

"Hi." She said, waving her hand.

"Come on, man, and ladies, let's play poker!" Harry said, sitting down, and dealing cards.

"Okay, here are the new rules. If you win, you have to switch articles of clothing. For example, if I won, I could switch my tie for Hermione's stilettos, but Hermione can't switch back for the tie and stilettos, she has to keep the tie and switch something else." Harry said.

Harry looked at the cards. "I won." He said, placing down a pair of twos and three aces.

"Not yet." Hermione said, placing down four aces and a king.

"Flush." Dumbledore said, putting down Ace of diamonds, a King, a Queen, a Ten, and a Jack.

"I don't know what I got, I just got an Ace, King, Queen, Jack, and Ten, all of them with this weird heart thing on it." McGonagall said, putting her cards down.

"McGonagall!" Harry said, standing up.

"That's a royal flush, m'dear."Dumbledore said.

"I'm switching my hat with Hermione's shirt." She said, rubbing her hands together. Hermione looked nervously around.

"Man, she said, pulling her hands out. Just as she was pulling it off, the door shot open.

* * *

"Yo, Granger." Draco Malfoy said from the doorway. His blonde hair was spiked up, and his pale face was covered in black marks. He was wearing a white shirt, with a black jacket over and jeans.

"Me and Sevvie are gonna go play a game of extreme goldfish. Wanna come?" Hermione jumped up.

"Later Harry." She said, seeing Harry frown at Malfoy's interruption.

* * *

She followed the real blonde down the corridor, and into the dungeons. A door opened, and a pink cladden robed Severus Snape was seen.

"Nice color on you Professor." Hermione said, tossing her dyed blonde hair over her shoulder.

"Why thank you Granger, I like the white shirt." She smiled at the Professor.

"Okay, we're started. But, I must tell you, I using my most prized cards, they cost 150 galleons. So be gentle." Malfoy said, brandishing a pack of Winnie the Pooh playing cards. He dealt them and they started.

* * *

"Hey Malfoy, do you have a 4?" She asked, looking at the flaxen haired Slytherin.

"Damn." He said, handing her all three of his fours.

"Yay! Ha, I'm creaming you guys!" Hermione said, piling up her fiftieth matchup. "Ketchup!" She squealed, taking the bottle of tomato squeezed substance and poured it in her mouth.

"Hmm." She said, licking her lips.

"Granger, you animal. Your making me aroused." Malfoy said, looking at her like a sadistic rapist. He pounced on her, snogging the daylight out of each other. Snape stepped back, as the white tee he admired from the young girl landed inches in front of him. Other clothes were thrown around and Professor Snape backed up against the yellow painted walls. With a headstart run, he landed in between the two teenagers, his pink robes being discarded of soon after.


	2. Summer At The Weaner's

Title: Hansel PotSmoker and the Chamber of Victoria Secrets

Genre: Parody/ Humor

Category: Undecided

Summary: A parody to the second book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Krysta's Notes: I need some humor in my life. So, here it is. The totally OoC story that I can make anyone do anything in because I don't even own Harry Potter but this is my plot and no one steals it without permission. I totally redid everyone's names, so you can pretty much guess who it is.

Chapter 1: Dopey's Warning

Hansel was stoned. Not like stoned in a sense that he was beaten to a bloody pulp with some rocks. Not stoned like trapped between two boulders. I mean stoned like, 'Damn bitches, Hansel's fucking high! Lemme get some!'. Hansel relit his puff and took a nice long drag, darkening the red under his feminine green eyes.

Hansel PotSmoker was the child of Jim-Jim and Rhododendren PotSmoker. Hansel PotSmoker had defeated the murderer of his parents, Victoria Puzzle, otherwise known as Mistress Vengance. Jamestown and Rhododedren PotSmoker were killed and little Hansel had defeated Mistress Vegance, by smoking up the last of his ecstasy, earning the name the Boy-Who-Smoked-His-Ecstasy.

Yes, it had been funny to him at age one that a guy's name was Victoria and he was a Mistress. But nevertheless, he saved the world by smoking ecstasy and had been doing drugs ever since.

Hansel lived with his fat Uncle Venomous, skinny and hideous Aunt Perturbous and his fat lazy cousin, Diet. They had oh-so-graciously allowed him to sleep in the attic and clean up after them.

Suddenly, a monster appeared from under Hansel's three foot bed in his ten foot room that was the box from Uncle Venomous' ten foot screen TV. He had gracefully thrown Hansel from his somewhat normal room into the ten by ten box which was taped in a corner of the attic. At least he could stand up without hitting his head.

Anyway, back to the monster. The monster looked like a smurf that had been rejected at the auditions. Orange skin, pointed nose, eyes the size of a cue ball. A pillowcase and tea cozy adorned it.

"Hello, Mister Hansel PotSmoker! I is Dopey, I has come here concerned for the saftey of Hansel PotSmoker!"

"Yes, but if your name is Dopey, how come you ain't got no dope, fool!" Hansel said, smacking the ugly rag doll creature.

"Many say Hansel PotSmoker is a nice wizard, a kind wizard."

"Man, don't say nothing to me; I'm trying to get high!" Hansel exclaimed, taking another long drag of his weed and threw Dopey out the window.

"Damn thing. Uncle Venomous! Keep your whores out my box!" Hansel screamed to his uncle. His Aunt Perturbous came up in the attic and threw open the box.

"Damn nephew! Your Uncle Venomous doesn't have any whores!" Hansel laughed.

"Man, I'm high, but I know Uncle Venomous' whores when I see 'em and that was one of the good looking ones! Now get back down stairs, Aunt Perturbous, or Mr. Manly won't even look at you." Hansel said, shoving his aunt out the privacy of his box.

"Hansel! You fat lazy sod !" His cousin Diet called from the doorway of the attic.

"Yes, Diet. I'm huge. I can't even get out this box. And at least my name's not Diet and I looked like a fat hoe! Goddamn, Diet, you can't even get through the attic doorway and the piano on wheels could! And it wasn't sideways!" Hansel said, lighting up some marijuana.

"Hey, Hansel. can I have some marijuana?" Diet asked his cousin.

"Yes, only if you lose enough weight to fit through the door! If someone chopped of enough weight for you to fit just through the door, they'd have to hack the other piece in two to be able to get it through and that is with a struggle!"

Diet stomped angrily out of the room, much akin to a gorilla, and Hansel clutched onto his box for dear life, hoping terribly that Diet, well, went on a diet!

The attic in which Hansel lived, was smal and dusty, tons of muggle items thrown around.

"Mr. Weasley sure would love this." Hansel said, laughing at himself.

"Yea, dad would have a field day." Someone said from the window.

"Ron! Is that you?" Hansel said. His best friend Ronzoni sat outside on a flying chicken.

"Yea, Hansel, we couldn't leave you here. Besides, Hateful is being very annoying, Freaky and Gorgeous keep trying to prank me and Virgin, and Mum won't shut up about the lawn gnomes. So, we came to get you." Suddenly, the barrier next to Ronzoni broke, revealed his older brother, Cheapskate.

"I should report this." Cheapskate said annoyed.

"And then I'll tell Persifious you were sleeping with her mother's dog." Cheapskate shut up. Persifious was Cheapskate's girlfriend.

Arriving at the Weaner home, Mr. and Mrs. Weaner greeted Hansel.

"Hansel! How great to see you!" Mrs Weaner exclaimed, hugging Hansel.

"I'm fine, Mrs. Weaner." He said gratefully, and walked into the house. He sighed as he saw Ron's younger sister, Virgin.

"Hi Virgin." He said. She blushed and ran off. Hansel shrugged. Making his way up to Ron's room with his trunk, he ran into his other best friend, Hateful. Hateful had brown curly hair and brown eyes.

"Hi Hansel!" She said, smiling.

"Hey. Hateful, you wanna go up to Ron's room and do stuff?" Hateful smiled.

"Sure, I'll just toss my prude little nature out the window for a second." Hateful threw a handful of air out the window and Ronzoni yelled at her.

"Stop tossing your invisible sex toys out the window!"

"Shut your face, Ronzoni!" Hateful screamed at him, giving him the finger.

Then, Hansel and Hateful went into Ron's room and smoked cocaine all night and all morning.

Krysta's Notes: I really wanted to change people's name's and you can tell who they are. But, I didn't like changing Harry's parents to stupid name's, so I made Lily's another flower and just nicknamed James'. R&R Please!


	3. In Which Draco Malfoy is Hospitalized

Title: Parody Parade

Genre: Parody/Humor

Category: Full Story

Summary: Randomly funny story about the trio. Random things appear. And if your story is something along the lines of this, and isn't a parody or humor fic, I feel bloody sorry for you mate.

Krysta's Notes: This matches to the 1st chapter. Hope you like!

* * *

Disclaimer:

List of Things In My Story That I Don't Own

**Nelly's 'Over and Over' **

_J.Lo's 'I'm Real'_

**Rob Thomas' 'Lonely No More' **

_Gwen Stefani's 'Cool' _

**J.K. Rowling's 'Harry Potter'

* * *

**

**Chapter includes:**

**Harry Potter trying to seduce Professor Snape.**

**Ron Weasley trying to figure out his sexuality.**

**Hermione Granger and Harry writing hate notes.**

**Tongue dying and make out sessions during Transfiguration.**

**The new edition of Play Wizard, with Harry on the front!**

**And of course, some more songs!

* * *

**

Chapter 2: Seduction and To Be Gay, or Not! 

The next day was different. Harry was a bit more normal, Hermione wasn't a blonde, and Ron is now mentioned a lot. Well, a lot more than before. So... the tale begins.

* * *

Harry, of course, was skipping down the halls like he does every morning, singing songs and dancing weird dances. 

"Cause its all in my head. I think about it over and over again. And I can't keep picturing you with him. And it hurts so bad, yeah!" Harry sang, waltzing through the dungeons. Then it hit him. He had a Potions Exam today!

"Damn, I don't know shit about Potions!" He thunked...

"Who can help me...Hermione's busy...Professor Snape, of course!" So, Harry walked towards the Professor's office, a horrible idea in his head. He was going to seduce Professor Snape.

* * *

Opening the door to the dungeons, the Slytherins looked at him weirdly as he pranced through the dark corridors, humming a Christmas song to himself. Knocking on the door to Professor Snape's office, he waited patiently for it to open. Snape opened his door al the way, and when he saw Harry smiling, he slammed it shut. Harry knocked again. 

"What do you want Potter?"

"To talk about the exam." He let him walk in as the professor sat, glaring at him.

Harry stood on the desk and rip his robes off, revealing some shiny tight spandex pants and a pink muscle shirt.

"I met so many men, it's like they're all the same!"("I bet you did, Potter")

"My appetite for lovin', is now my hunger pain!" ("Pain? Where?")

"And when I'm feeling sexy,(!choke!) who's gonna comfort me?"("Certainly not me, Potter, I hope you get your superficial self off my brand new stone desk!")

"My only problem is,(!laugh! "You have more than one problem, Potter, get the fuck off my desk!) their insecurity!" Then he skips a whole other part of the song, but straddles the Potions Master, who has a look of sickness and horror on his face.

"Now people lovin' me and hatin' me,("I hate you, Potter!") treatin' me ungratefully. But not knowin' that they ain't makin' me or breakin' me.("I wish I could snap you in half, Potter.")

"My life, I live it to the limit("Which would be NOW!") and I love it! Now I can breathe again, baby, now I can breathe again!"("Who was choking you, Potter? I should get them to come back and do that again, maybe you'll die.")

With a wink, Harry("Finally!") left. Professor Snape took out an exam and wrote Harry's name on it. Unlocking the super secret drawer that hadn't been opened for a billion gazillion years, he took out a stamp and stamp his paper with a big fat...

* * *

"T! I got a T! After all that I did for you, Severus!" Harry said, collapsing in front of the desk. 

"You're right, Potter. 200 points from Gryffindor for nightmarishly conduct and bribery of a teacher. And minus 10 points because you left your robes in my office." He cringed.

Harry was mad. As he walked into the Common Room, he saw Ron on the couch.(1)

* * *

Ron looked up. 

"Harry, what do you think my sexuality for this week should be?"

"I dunno Ron, maybe you should be gay or something." Ron thought.

"Okay! I'll be gay!" He rushed up to the dormitory and ripped through all of his clothes.

"Oh man, I don't have any gay clothing... I was born a straight dude..." Ron sighed, propping his hands on his knees.

"What am I to do?" Suddenly, an angel came down from heaven, and he looked like Orlando Bloom.(2) The song that the choirs was singing was floating through the air as the angel touched the ground.

* * *

"I don't wanna be lonely no more! I don't wanna have to pay for this! I don't want to know the lover at my door! Is just another heartache on my list!" The choir became quiet. 

"Ronald Weasley, you seem to have a request to change your sexuality. So, I tell you, just go for it! If it's truly what you want, you'll achieve it!" And the Orly Bloom look-a-like angel floated back up into heaven.

Ron thought about it. And he had the perfect plan.

* * *

-An Hour Later- 

Draco Malfoy is on the front page of the Daily Prophet with a horrible story.

Local Wizard Spots a Traumatic Thing

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is the best school in England. The witches and wizards there are overwhelmingly smart. One student, namely a student of Slytherin House, has been hospitalized and put in the mental ward. We'll let him account the story.**

"**It was horrible." Draco Malfoy moaned, his blonde hair fisted in his hands.**

**  
"I was just walking through the halls, helping the innocent first years, when I saw him. That stupid spawn of a poor bitch Weasley."**

_-Flashback-_

_Draco glared at another first year. He ran off screaming and Draco cackled like a evil old witch with a wart on her nose. He was about to glare at a passing fourth year Ravenclaw, when Ron Weasley came skipping around the corner._

_-Interupption-_

"**I was like, Weasley, did you forgot something? And he shook his head. I told him to look down, and.. oh! I can't recount the horrifying tale."**

_-Flashback-_

"_Weasley! What the hell are you doing with no pants on, goddamnit!" Ron smiled._

"_I'm gay!" And he skipped over to Draco and kissed him, right on the lips. _

_  
"Weasley, what the--" He was cut off when he noticed a part, or a tiny microscopic piece, of Ron's anatomy._

_  
"What the fuck!" And Draco passed out._

_-End Flashback-_

"**Draco Malfoy has been admitted to the St. Mungo's Ward for Mentally Confused. He is still in touch with his therapist."  
**

Hermione laughed. Ron couldn't have done anything stupider. Well, besides stick his knife in a muggle toaster; Hermione still laughed about that at night.

* * *

Harry looked at the paper. 

"Gods, Ron's wiener is fucking mini minuscule microscopic." Harry exclaimed. Hermione grabbed some parchment and a quill and began to write a giant hate note.

Dear Ron,

You are the most fucking retarded being of the existence of the whole world. Who decides to be gay and go around school naked? And kiss Draco Malfoy?((Even though he's the sexiest person in school so far...)) Well, you still suck major balls, whether you're gay or not. And next time, be a tranvestite.

I Can't Stand You,

Hermione.

"How's that, Harry?" She said, showing it to him.

"Not mean enough. How about this?"

Dear Ron,

You suck ass. You're gay, but you still need a life and some money. Maybe with the money, you can buy yourself a bigger dick, cause I don't even think that the term 'wiener' suits that poor excuse of human body. I think you should be a lesbian, even though your a guy. Become a girl. A transvestite. Then, be a lesbian. Maybe you'll feel better.

Your Dumb,  
Harry.

"I like it. But, let's put some more of my quote in there."

Dear Ron,

You are the most fucking retarded being of the existence of the whole world. You suck ass. Who decides to be gay and go around school naked? And kiss Draco Malfoy? You're gay, but you still need a life and some money. Maybe with the money, you can buy yourself a bigger dick, cause I don't even think that the term 'wiener' suits that poor excuse of human body. Well, you still suck major balls, whether you're gay or not. I think you should be a lesbian, even though your a guy. Become a girl. A transvestite. Then, be a lesbian. Maybe you'll feel better.

Neither of Us Likes You,

Harry and Hermione.

"It warms my heart to see such a hateful letter.." Harry said, wiping a fake tear from his eye. They sent it off.

"Let's write another one!" Hermione said, pulling out some more materials.

* * *

The hate letters consisted of the following: 

McGonagall- You should be the leader of the sissy-ass-wuss house(Hufflepuff)(3), and not Gryffindor, cause maybe you'd get some ass from those students.

Snape- Your nose is fat. And you suck for giving me a T. And you know you want to keep Harry's robes, and you still have my t-shirt in that locked up drawer. I want it back! And my ketchup!

Dumbledore- I can't really write you a hate letter, cause you let us drink alcohol, and you haven't suspended us for jumping around the school playing poker all the time. You rock!

* * *

They had Transfiguration, where we had to transfigure a blue pillow to a green one. Everyone instead, prompted by Neville's mistake of making his tongue blue, turned their tongues colored. Hermione turned her tongue yellow, and then made out with Harry, who's tongue was blue, turning her's green. 

"Awesome!" Dean exclaimed.

"Harry's on the cover of Play Wizard!" Seamus said. Harry and Hermione ran over. Of course, there was Harry in Molly's bra and the furry thong. Harry blushed.

"Colin took your picture and sent it in. He didn't think it would make a page at all, not even a half of one!" Dean said, surprised.

"I know, I'm special." Everyone chanted speech!

* * *

"I'll tell my speech, in a song!" Everyone clapped, as the light's dimmed, and Harry had a new getup. It was a black t-shirt and blue jeans, with sparkles in his hair. 

"It's hard to remember how it felt before. Now I found the love of my life. Passes things get more comfortable. Everything is going right." Everyone was watching him intently.

"And after all the obstacles. It's good to see you now with someone else. And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends. After all that we've been through, I know we're cool." McGonagall left the classroom as Harry jumped on her desk.

"We used to think it was impossible. Now you call me by my new last name. Memories seem like so long ago. Time always kills the pain. Remember Harbor Boulevard. The dreaming days where the mess was made. Look how all the kids have grown. We have changed but we're still th--" He was cut off as Hermione took of her stiletto and threw it at Harry.

"Party!" She yelled, as she pulled out a boom box playing Rob Thomas' Lonely No More.

* * *

**I don't wanna be lonely no more  
I don't wanna have to pay for this  
I don't want to know the lover at my door  
Is just another heartache on my list**

**I don't wanna be lonely no more**

**I don't wanna have to pay for this**

**I don't want to know the lover at my door**

**Is just another heartache on my list**

**I don't wanna be lonely no more...**

The song faded out as everyone passed out from alcohol poisoning.

* * *

Thanks to, imfeelingthis182, demented sock monkey, Signature F, Minako Sohma, MionePotter17(x2). 

Now, for the explanations.

(1) I hate Ron, so prepare for some Ron-bashing! Terrible bashing...

(2) I have nothing against Orlando Bloom, I like him! I just thought he deserved to be an angel.

(3) I have no harborage against Hufflepuff House, I apologize to anyone offended.

Read and Review! Next Chapter: Continuation of Hansel PotSmoker and the Chamber of Victoria's Secrets.

Love,

XxCrystallinExX

xAnDx

XxCookiExX


	4. High on the Train, High at School

Parody: Hansel PotSmoker and the Chamber of Victoria Secrets

Summary: A parody to the second book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, to which Hansel PotSmoker fights against Lady Vengeance for...ecstasy?

Specka: I know I haven't updated in a while, and my writing has changed a ton since I wrote the last chapter. So, don't be surprised. And I don't know if I spelled canole right.

Chapter 2: High on the Train, High in School

Hansel, Hateful, Ronzoni, and Ronzoni's little sister Virgin were boarding the train to Hogfollies School of Bitchcraft and Whizzing-Trees. The nice, beautiful red train looked like the one Harry had seen in his cousin Diet's Thomas the Tank Engine set.

"Pretty! Pretty train! I love the train!" Ronzoni exclaimed, running over to give the train a hug. But, Ronzoni was tripped and fell.

"Who trippeded me?" He exclaimed, his face turning thirteen different shades of purple; magenta, violet-red, plum, red-violet, blue-viol--oh, yeah. Well, he looked up to see a blonde boy with grey eyes. His name was Darko Malfee. Darko was considered the school Bad Boy Hot Kid 'OMG, I WANNA BANG DARKO MALFEE!' Yeah. That was him. And basically everywhere he went, girls fell at his feet.

"Aha, you poor and unsubstantial Weaner!" He laughed, looking like a Greek God in the process. Ronzoni jumped up angrily and raised his fists to Darko.

"Let's fight, Malfee. See who's the bigger man." He said, waiting for his response.

"In that case, let's not fight. There are plenty of girls around who will gladly tell me I'm a bigger man than you." He said, boastingly. Just then, three girls ran up and yelled, "We love you Darko!" "We wanna bang you, Darko!" "You look positively delicious in those trousers!"

"Aha, Weaner." Darko laughed, a crowd around him. "I see I'm the bigger person. Come on." And despite Virgin's obvious infatuation with Harry and Hateful's loyalty to Harry's friendship, she and Virgin followed Darko, each on his arm.

"Oh Darko, you're so rich." "Oh Darko, you're dreadfully handsome." "And did I ever tell you, Darko, how evil you are?" They cooed at him as he walked away. Hansel helped Ronzoni off the floor.

"Look--erm." Hansel started. Ronzoni shook his head.

"Go on, Hansel. It's okay to leave me unlike a real friend would." Hansel nodded and ran off.

"Hey!" Ronzoni called out.

--

While on the train, Hansel and Ronzoni were sitting in the compartment when Virgin and Hateful walked in, giggling.

"Ahahahahahahaha!" They giggled. Hansel and Ronzoni looked at each other weirdly.

"Oh, what did Malfee do to you!" Ronzoni said, shaking his sister and her friend. They giggled, before Hateful answered.

"We gotsted us some cree-ack. We sniffeded it and it was goooooood." Hateful said, before falling on the floor and spinning around on her head.

"Look! I'm using my head!" Virgin laughed and took Harry's glasses. Then, she threw them off the train. Hansel screamed like a girl on crack; exactly how Hateful was screaming cause she lost a hair.

"My glasses!" Hateful pulled out her wand after stopping her tirade. She pointed it between Hansel's eyes.

"I know a speeell to fix it! Repariole Canole!" She started to say it right, but then decided she had a desire for canole. So, in between Hansel's eyes grew a large garden with, instead of stalks of corn, grew stalks of canoles. Hateful and Virgin squealed. While Hateful was picking canoles out of Hansel's face and putting them into a basket, Virgin was counting the hairs on Harry's head while sitting with her legs wrapped around the boy's neck. And Ronzoni was admiring the shades of blue and purple that Hansel's face was turning.

--

So, when they got to school, Hateful and Virgin were perfectly normal, but Hansel had stolen Hateful and gotten high, Hansel because his face hurt and Hateful cause she was bored.

Headmaster Dumberwhore stood in front of the Great Hall, while people were talking, with a glass of whiskey in his hand, and said to Snape, "Aha, I didn't see that picture of you in that thong covered in canoles." The whole Hall went quite, except for Hansel and Hateful, who were high. They jumped up and screamed, "Canoles!" before running off to Snape's private stores.

Ronzoni and Virgin broke the silence by chasing after them and tackling them. It got very mixed up. Hansel and Hateful ended up on top of each other and Ronzoni and Virgin had collided with each other and were snogging, until Hateful screamed. Then, it switch. Ronzoni jumped Hansel and began ripping his robes off, and Virgin tried to tackle Hateful, but she ducked and Virgin hit the wall. Then, Hateful and Virgin ran off to go and find Darko Malfee and see if he was busy.

So, Darko, Hateful, and Virgin met in Professor Snape's private stores, ate canoles, and snogged all afternoon.

And Ronzoni and Hansel played chess. Naked chess.

Chapter 2: High on the Train, High at School

Specka: Eh. Don't ask, and canoles are good. Someone tell me how to spell that godforsaken word. And Snape's name doesn't need modification, cause it's already scary. :)


	5. In Which Draco and Hermione Free Azkaban

Parody: Parody Parade

Summary: Point: To write an ultimately funny parody with no pairing, and randomly hilarity at any given moment.

Specka: Okay, I like this parody the best. So, I guess I have to get into the dramatic part of Hansel PotSmoker the next chapter, but I'll wait until then. And I hope you like this chapter, it's very creative!

Disclaimer: If I could, I'd buy--

(which means I DON'T OWN!)

**Evanescence's 'Bring Me to Life'**

_Linkin Park's 'Breaking the Habit' _

**Nine Inch Nails' 'The Perfect Drug' **

_Hawthorne Heights' 'Saying Sorry' _

**JK Rowling's 'Harry Potter'

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**

**Chapter Includes:**

**Harry Potter trying to be a superhero.**

**Ronald Weasley being an idiot.**

**Hermione Granger 'getting good grades.'**

**Professor Snape's horrible past.**

**Another game of extreme goldfish: Draco, Hermione, Harry, and Hagrid.**

**Some poker and Anorexic!Hagrid.**

**Snogging and KetchupObsessed!Hermione.**

**And...karaoke! Like always!

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**

Chapter 3: In Which Draco and Hermione Free Azkaban Prisoners

The story starts off with Harry. Harry had gotten drunk that morning. So, tying Seamus' bedsheet around his neck, (mind you, Seamus is still in it) he jumped down the stairs, causing Seamus to grow wings, transform into a giant bird, and perch on Harry's shoulder.

"I am the-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Some-Other-Weird-Descriptions-That-Make-Me-Look-Awesome Man! And this is my sidekick, Phidippides!" Seamus crowed at Harry and bit his cheek off. So, the-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Have-His-Cheek-Bitten-Off-Oh-Funny Man and Phidippides ran around the school saving first years that were stuck in Professor Snape's classroom.

Hermione huffed and walked away, a book in her hands. She had to go make sure she got an O on her Charms test. Skipping into Professor Flitwick room, she pressed a button on the wall and a pole came from out of nowhere. Hermione tore her robes off to reveal some stripper outfit she had found while washing Ron's laundry. She twirled around the pole for the Professor and when she got her test back...

"Yes, an O!" She exclaimed, winking at Flitwick. Everyone groaned, wondering why Hermione's grades were so excellent.

Meanwhile, Ron jumped down the stairs from the seventh floor to the second. As he was falling, he started to sing. "Wake me up inside, Wake me up inside! Call my name and saaaaaavvveeeee mmeeeeeeee frrroooooooom theeeeee darrrrrrrrkkkk! Bid my blood to run, before I come undone! Save me from the noooootttthinnnnnnnnnggggg I've beeeeeeecommmeeeee!" Before the Boy-Who-Lived Man-Who-Saves-Innocent-Redheaded-Morons-From-Sucide, who was flying on Phidippides' back, swooped him up in the 'idiot catcher net' and flew off into the sunset--ahem, wrong scene. And flew off into the stained glass window, sliding to the floor. Now, the window was stained with their blood.

While Hermione was skipping around, she accidentally stepped on Phidippides, who squawked angrily and shitted on Ron's face. Hermione found this a wonderful time to sing, and the-Boy-Who-Lived-Who-Is-Supposed-To-Be-Unconscious Man became conscious, even after falling five stories, as they sang.

"I'll paint it on the walls! Cause I'm the one that falls! I'll never fight again! Cause this is how it ends! I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream? But now I have some clarity, to show you what I mean. I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be all right! So I'm breeeeeaaaaaaakkinnnnng the haaaaaabbbbiiiiiiiiiitttttt, I'm breeeeeaaaaaaakkinnnnng the haaaaaabbbbiiiiiiiiiitttttt, I'm breeeeeaaaaaaakkinnnnng the haaaaaabbbbiiiiiiiiiitttttt, tooooooniiiiiight!" Hermione and the-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Forgot-To-Take-His-Monthly-Pill passed out. And then, when they woke up, they were in a pensieve. Professor Snape's pensieve.

--

"And I want you, and I want you. And I want you, and I want you! You are the perfect druuuug, the perfect druuuug, the perfect druuuug." It looked like Snape's father, singing to--blanch...Professor Dumbledore. The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Act-Retarded-When-It's-Called-For promptly puked on the floor, but he was in a pensieve, so no one paid any attention. A mini Snape walked out of another room to see his father kneeling in front of Professor Dumbledore, clasping his hands.

"I'm sorry. I can't love you." And then, Professor Dumbledore saw the little Snape standing there.

"Severus, child, what have you been up to!" The door opened again to admit a teenager, the same age as the little Snape. He had long, blonde hair, which was tied into a ponytail and grey eyes.

"Hey, Sevvie. Me and Tom Riddle are gonna go play a game of extreme goldfish. Wanna come?" The boy sounded exactly like someone the-Boy-Who-Lived-That-Forgot-That-Draco's-Obsessed-With-Goldfish knew, yet he couldn't place his hand on it. Severus looked at his father pleadingly.

"Oh please, can I go?" He begged.

"No!" So, his father began to sing songs instead of answering his son. "It's the way, that he makes you feel, it's the way, that he kisses you, it's the way, that he makes you fall in looooooooovvveeeeeee. Pretty girl is sufferriiiiiinnnnngg while he confesses eveerrrythiiinnnggg. Pretty soon she'll figguurreee ouutttt what his intentions wweeeerrreeee abbouuuuttt."

--

After getting out of Professor Snape's pensieve and seeing Ron on the Astronomy Tower strapped up in a bungee cord and getting ready to jump into a pit of lava and jello, the-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Is-Utterly-Retarded-In-This-Chapter jumped on Phidippides and flew off. After finding Snape in the Great Hall talking to a stoned Dumbledore, he flew over and hugged Snape.

"Saying goodbye! This time! The same old story! Seeing you cry! Makes me feel like saying sorrrrryyyy!" the-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Snog-His-Greasy-Professor kissed Snape and the man barfed on the-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Needs-Mouthwash's cape. "Professor, I'm sorry that your father sang in a horrible high tone voice to Sugarcult, which is muggle and sang songs to Professor Dumbledore that confessed his love!"

Then, Draco Malfoy ran into the Great Hall. "Potter, Granger!" He was dressed in a hoodie saying, "Crips up, B's down," and his hair was in a blonde afro and his pants were around his ankles. "I'm back from the hospital, and you are cordially invited to my exclusive game of X-Treeeeeeme Goldfish, using my famous Wizard of Oz limited edition playing cards with new Alice of Spades!" the-Boy-Who-Lived Man and Hermione agreed, so the-Boy-Who-Lived-And-His-Stupid-Obsession-With-Jello flew off on Phidippides and Hermione followed Draco to the dungeons, yet again.

--

Harry, Hermione, Draco, and Hagrid sat in a circle of the Wizard of Oz playing cards. Hermione asked Draco for a Queen and he handed her two, consisting of a pair. Slyly, she asked Harry for a Queen as well, and he relinquished his as well. Hermione jumped up again, winning.

"Damn, Granger." Draco said, laying his cards down as Hermione and her beloved ketchup did a victory dance. "You should enter Hogwarts new, mysterious Extreme Goldfish championships. You'd cream them all." She smiled, before squirting ketchup on Phidippides and starting a bonfire on Hagrid's large beard. They all sat around the fire and roasted Phidippides; Needless to say, roasted bird with ketchup was the source of energy for the crazed teens. Afterwards, Hagrid and Harry played strip poker, Harry losing because of Hagrid's bear skin rug layers, which made him fat. Hagrid was actually anorexic, but hid it behind his larg extensive clothing. Draco and Hermione proceeded to the nearest spare empty classroom with a bottle of ketchup, some whipped cream, handcuffs, and a pair of scissors. I guess they were gonna go break someone out of Azkaban. Those guards sure do love ketchup.

Chapter 3: In Which Draco and Hermione Free Azkaban Prisoners

Crys: Review! Thanks you guys for reviewing Hansel!


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